A Game Of Numbers: Long Distance

This is a poem that I wrote a long time ago, and I feel that even though I do not have to deal or think about the idea of long distance anymore, a lot of people do. This is for the people who wake up without this person, or wonder what's going to happen in the long run. Welcome to my new series of poems: A Game of Numbers

If someone gave me 750 words to write a letter to you about how I feel I don’t think I could. 750 words, that’s what they take as a college app. You have 750 words to put your entire future on the line. And as much as I can write and type and think, I will never be able to say these things. I can never tell you I worry, because that makes me weak and seem like I care too much. I can’t tell you when I’m in some dark moments I drive around blasting our favorite songs, or how sometimes I almost crash the car because I day dream about our car rides and how much I miss you. I can’t tell you how unhealthy this is, and how fucking hurt I am. I can’t tell you that. I take the pain so others don’t have to. I always have I always will. I know it’s a problem. I just wanna break down and cry a lot, and I know I just can’t. I also know that I can’t let myself think about this too much because I’ll break and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to truly get myself back again. I don’t freak because I trust you and I hold nothing on you. I want you to live your life and have fun, and I don’t know how other people do this long distance thing. Not because there’s someone else but because I don’t remember what your arms feel like anymore. I can only dream about the feeling your lips on mine made. I can feel the butterflies in my stomach and the way I feel sometimes when you say stuff.. It actually kills me to see you over a screen. Not because I don’t want to spend the whole night talking and laughing but because I just want your arms wrapped around me. I want to feel the heat you caused all over my body again. I just want you, and not entirely in the sexual way. I want you to be right in front of me with that stupid grin on your face, saying your smartass remarks. I want to come home and plan on seeing you every damn day,, not matter the consequences I received for it, no matter the friends who stopped talking to me, they left me in the end anyway. 750, it’s a number. And for a person who really isn’t good with numbers this may be another one I break. I read a lot of heartbreaking stories, not because I want to damage myself anymore than I already have but to show myself how much worse other people have it. To remind myself that there is gravity on this earth and I’m planted and pinned to it until the day I die. I have no clue where the future it taking either of us, and I guess that’s the catch of life. No one knows where anyone is going. Although I do know both of us will be happy and I pray it’s sooner than later. I pray that our paths cross again. But mainly I pray that this gets easier and soon, I don’t know how it will get easier, but I pray it does. I cannot keep this heartbreak up, but I also cannot make myself leave. Its an endless cycle of neither of us winning and I don’t know how to make it any better. I am a person who fixes problems not runs away from them as we all know, but this problem I have no idea how to fix. I have under 30 words left and so much to say. Although I may have to keep most of it in my head, not enough room or numbers to let me tell you how I really feel about all of this. And with this I have broken another limit of numbers, and if it truly were me, there wouldn’t be a set number on how to decide your path to life, or a number to dictate how long you have to live. Or a number that really mattered, because at the end of the day it’s a number and at the end of the day someone is going to break that number. I just hope one day our numbers aline and we’re thrown back into this thrilling and amazing thing we have created, and I hope it’s with some better conditions.