In the last year: I've died, hit the gym, broke up with my boyfriend, moved twice, and done some crazy things, let's talk about it

It's been a while since I've been on here, and not for a lack of reasons. If I could tell you the million of things that have happened in my life since then, I think I would have to make it into a movie (as some of my friends have told me to). So I'll give you the big scoops and we'll go from there I guess. I also have no idea when I'll be back, because let's be honest I'm me. It's crazy to think that the girl who reads and writes every day only posts ever so often huh?

Apparently the last time I checked in was November of 2023.. that's almost a whole year. And when I tell you it feels closer to 2-3 months I cannot stress that enough. Over the last 10 months I've gotten so many questions about life, simply because on the outside it seems like I disappeared and kept a quiet life. And for the most part, I did. I fell into crazy habits of holing myself up in the apartment and only working. I stopped going out with friends, I completely stopped working out, and truthfully I think in those first 8 months I lost a piece of myself I'm still trying to find. I woke up week after week feeling so unlike myself, feeling so crazy and out of it, but I never mentioned it. No one wants to be associated with the mental health of others. It's crazy the type of lessons life will throw at you when you keep ignoring any and everything that's good for you. I would say I fell into a depression, but I'm not even sure that's what it was, because coming out of it was like taking the first breath of fresh air I had in years, and the world looked so much brighter. Bright enough for me to convince myself I must have been in a manic episode. In conclusion, it was not, it simply was me being released from the chains that held me down every step of the way to where I am now. I wish I were ready to talk about those chains on the internet, but I can't, not yet.

While you read the remaining of the biggest parts of my life in the last few months remember these actual facts for me: I am simply sitting in MY dinning room table in bright yellow sweat pants drinking my bright yellow (yes you haters) zero sugar Gatorade. I am happy, I am healthy, I am safe and I damn well am taking more care of myself now than I ever have. I am at peace with the world and how I am creating mine. So sit back while I entertain you with my trauma, think of my life like a book of sorts, you don't even have to acknowledge it's me, because to be honest? I HATE talking about most of this in person and will pass it off as a joke, so don't worry about ever mentioning it, it's why it's all written in a journal and followed up by me choosing what I want to post here. Unfortunately there will be a lot of fake names, and censored words, simply because I can't really spill the tea. Without further ado, here we go.

December 9th 2023:

"Uh... another month has gone by which is soo crazy to me. It's been about 6 weeks since I started at [previous job]. I feel so free and open with all of this extra time. Other than the pay cut, which I will fix soon, I actually have time to have a life and see my friends... I've read almost 300 books this year! That's INSANE! My goal was 175 so almost double."

By this point I had quit one toxic job and jumped into a new field, doing things I had thought about but never tried out. I missed the industry I left, but learned so much at the new job, I wasn't working 80 weeks any more (well momentarily). I started to see my friends again after working 261 days straight summer of 2023. And somehow I read like no one's business in the short span I had.

January 2nd 2024

"I'm backkkk, jk. It's a new year, but not a new me... Communication is for sure real and necessary... I'm happy and getting healthier by the day.. This year is about intention and health"

This month was weird for me. I felt the pressure to be a "new me", but didn't actually want to be new, I just wanted the old me back, the one before all the work crushed her, the one who still had time to party but worked her ass off. I really started to get into a routine here, another day I acknowledge the fact that I have a lunch hour?? Like that was such a crazy concept to me.

February 28th 2024

"I'm too stressed and unhealthy to continue to the way I have been. I'm only 22 and some days I feel like I'm expected to be 40 and have everything figured out."

I've been told I was "too mature for my age" since I got diagnosed in 2009. It hasn't changed, and it probably won't until I hit that "acceptable" age to just go with the flow. Hell, even within the last couple of months I've been told I'm too much of an adult, that I have too much planned, that I need to slow down and be young. News flash, I haven't done that since I was 8 years old, it's not going to happen now. The weird thing about life is that sometimes you simply cannot tell how a person is, because I have felt like I've never done enough and I never have ANYTHING figured out, but I also know that's just life, and I think the fact that we can't read each others mind saves a lot of us more often then not.

March 31st 2024

"Another day another journal entry. I don't have much to say. I went to Church today and I'm so excited to get back into going regularly."

So I may not have regularly gotten back into going to church, but I've never lost my faith. I still pray every morning and every night. I still read the Bible, I still listen to the worship music. My faith will never be something taken from me. What I failed to mention literally anywhere in my journal is that March 9th 2024 (sorry dad, happy birthday I love you!) I died, again. I talked about it momentarily on my Instagram, but it truly was such a weird experience on my end. Because I have found the love and peace in just not being here, and maybe I wasn't fully dead, and I did come back. But the last time in 2016 felt the same exact way and that was almost 8 minutes down. I am beyond grateful to be alive, and I'm not really sure how I am, but I can't take life for granted that was my 9th life.

April stayed quiet, my birthday happened, I did some crazy things.

May the storm hit and the "tornado" as several of us call it blew the roof off of our apartment, which caused everything to flood. It was kinda a disaster to be honest. We lived in a hotel for a couple of weeks, I was still working both jobs, and felt like the world was on my shoulders to keep showing up day in day out even when I didn't know what was going to happen. But I was gonna do the thing because that's just what I do, I'll try until I can't try anymore.

June 27th 2024

"I never thought I'd be writing this, or maybe a part of me has for a while...I guess it's time to heal and be by myself, learn to love life again. I deserve better, but I'm not sure how I'm supposed to stop caring."

Something, I'm not going to really touch on, but we broke up. We did, it happened, there's no resentment there (at least on my end) we are just two completely different people, and I think we've both grown so much since both meeting each other and since college. Our priorities shifted and that's OKAY. I will forever wish him the best and hope he becomes as successful and happy as he can be.

July 8th 2024

"Happy birthday mom... I really love where I’m living, why didn't I do this before?... I'm going to get healthy and live for myself more than I already am."

And truthfully? That's what I've been doing since. I realized life is too short to not be unauthentically yourself. I cannot tell you how much I love the life I've started to create for myself. How much love and respect I have for my friends who have helped me through EVERYTHING I've been through without hesitation or questions. To my family who has made me laugh until my stomach hurts even from thousands of miles away (literally). To my coworkers who have saved my days countless of times, even if they had no clue what was going on in my personal life. To everyone I have in my life, I'm grateful you're here, and I'm grateful you've read my little update. I obviously did not get into anything too crazy, but like I said, not everything needs to be put out onto the internet yet, and honestly, I'm not ready for those questions yet.

But let's see how August goes, I'll see you when I see you <3

Tori