What I Learned This Summer...

Well it's been a while. I'd like to catch everyone up, but realistically it would take a book to cover the last few months of brutality I have been through. Truthfully, life hit me. These last few months have been some of the best and worst months I have had since high school.

I will admit I learned more than I ever expected to over the last few months in every possible way. Some people tell me that I like to learn the hard way in life, and maybe that has some truth to it, but I have learned I don't learn it the hard way, I learn it the way that protects the most amount of people, safety, respect and kindness, and with that sometimes I sacrifice myself more than I should.

I guess for those who are going to ask what I've been up to: working. I have put work weeks in that are over 80 hours, and my slowest weeks have still been at least 40 hours. Sometimes, I look around at other people who work and wonder how 40 hours feels enough. I think about how 40 hours would be in a week in week out way, having Saturday and Sunday off, going in and getting off at the same time every day. Up until this point it had seemed redundant and boring to be completely honest, it's why I didn't jump into the "real" work force as soon as I graduated last year. I felt like that would trap me into a job and life I didn't want. After hours of thinking about it (and trust I thought about it more than I should have) I realized that I simply didn't want that due to the fact that it seemed too stable to me. I didn't know how to do over and over again every week because to me that has equated "boring". It's why I move my room around every month, it's why I change my phone case all the time, and why my hair hasn't been the same color or length since I was a kid. I thought I couldn't do stability and as soon as something became a stable standpoint in my life, I ran. Far and fast. Friendships, relationships, schools, everything. It wasn't something I did on purpose or even realized I did, until now. I don't want to run anymore. I'm finally in a place where I feel safe enough to stay and relax, to finally plant some seeds and watch the roots take place. I love my boyfriend and he reminds me even when my muscle seize and I'm ready to sprint out the front door, I'm safe and loved and I deserve to allow good into my life, that I don't need to be doing everything to make my life hard and that sometimes I just gotta fight back. I have a friend group I wouldn't trade for the world, we get each other, we love each other and we get that life gets busy but that doesn't mean we aren't close and won't always be there for each other. It's taken me all my life to realize what kind of friendships I want, and I have found some of the most loyal, funny, and level headed people surrounding me.

As I stated, this summer showed me a lot of myself. It reinforced some of the things I already knew. I already knew I was a fast reader who loved it (almost to 250 books this year!!) I know I work hard, and that's not to gloat or anything, I simply set my eyes on something I want to complete and don't stop until I get it or do everything in my power to get there. It's why I graduated early beyond the hospital stays, getting sick, COVID, working so many hours, barely scrapping by money wise. I wanted it and the only thing stopping me from getting it was myself. I know I'm a loyal friend, but what I hadn't realized was that sometimes I was loyal to the wrong people, still for the right reasons, but they didn't deserve my time or energy and I had people who did that I didn't give as much as they deserved. I now understand that I can spread my time and energy to those I want to and deserve it, but not to those who will use, backstab, and hurt me. I can end a friendship that no longer aligns with my lifestyle or who I am turning into, and that's okay. People grow apart, some grow up, and some are unfortunately left in our pasts. It took a lot blowing up in my face to realize that sometimes it's better to distance yourself and let the relationship fall apart than throw yourself into the flames to be a "good" friend, because at the end of the day it's all subjective and sometimes even the clothes off of the back of your skin won't be enough. In my experience, those who know how to both give and receive will take and support your further than anyone else.

My health has always been a priority in my life because if I don't think about it I die, quite literally and brutually (y'all won't even begin to understand how painful and terrifying it is to be dying without insulin, even if it is by accident). Regardless this summer I learned how close mental and physical health are involved. I have been on birth control since I was 17, never changed it, never taken a break off of it. It's been a big topic on social media, especially after reading all of the side effects. It's something I considered getting off of earlier this year, but was scared. I got sick this summer in a sense that no one could tell unless you asked. I bruised a lot, I couldn't sleep but never stopped being exhausted. I was scared something truly bad would happen, but chose to ignore it in hopes it would go away (fyi it'll never go away, so trust your gut and handle it before it handles you). I went to the doctor where we ran a ton of tests and after it I was sat down and the top 3 reasons of worry were 1. cancer/blood disorders 2. iron deficiency 3. birth control I left that appointment scared to do anything, I ran on autopilot for a week or two, when they use the word cancer in a sense of you might have it your life flashes in front of your eyes and for me I saw the things I haven't done yet and the things I would regret not having done yet. Thank God I didn't have cancer, and truly understand how the process and things going into a diagnosis like that can be so brutal for everyone involved. Most of my tests came back in the "normal" range but some were close to being high/low and it was time to get my health in order. I found myself in a situation where suddenly I couldn't get birth control, so I took it as my time to get off and see who I was without something regulating my hormones and how I felt. It's been about a month since I got off, and I've started to see myself in a new light, I've learned more things about the human and female body and I'm growing into choosing how I take care of myself. I lost a lot of weight that birth control made me gain, I started to feel my emotions more clearly, I understand my thought processes a little better now. As far as mentally taking care of myself I haven't done a job of it all this summer. To be completely honest, I stopped caring and decided to ignore it all (again until it went away). Nothing changed and if anything I found myself too depressed to care to be my fake happy, I started having more common panic attacks again, my OCD took up most of my brain, and I truly just did not want to deal with it, along with this I just thought I didn't have the time when working so many hours. So the world has a crazy way of stopping you and making you take a step back, literally sometimes. I got into a car accident, I was t-boned on the drivers side. Luckily, I am alive and well now, but it gave me back, neck and shoulder problems along with misaligning my whole body and brought my scoliosis back into play, which I had just fixed earlier this year, I also had hearing issues and a pretty nasty concussion. I did the work in rehab, I got readjusted, I took the meds, but I never took off of work. I really should have, and I know and realize that now because nothing comes before health and safety and I've always said to everyone I'm around, but never taken the advice, it's time to listen to myself.

During these months I had been working to the bone to prove my worth and how hard I could work. I wanted what I did so badly I didn't realize what it was costing me. It was costing me my hobbies, my social life, my health and literally every relationship I had. I did all for what? Some promotion I won't ever get, and at this point I'm not sure I would even want it if they had offered. I lost myself in a place that wanted to beat me down and change me into someone I wasn't going to be and never want to be. I could've lost everything for something that doesn't mean shit in the grand scheme of things. There will be better jobs, there will be more money, there will be something to work for always. What won't always be there? Myself, my friends, my family, the memories I have a chance to make. I'm not sure why I fought it for so long, but I'm grateful I don't have to worry about it and I didn't sign my name next to the devils, I'm not sure I would have made it out alive, and you know what? That's a-o-fucking-kay with me now. I got a ton more that will forever be more inspiring, supportive, and life giving than a damn promotion. So they may lost an amazing worker, but I gained my life.

So this summer I learned that sometimes learning the "hard way" isn't necessary the hard way but the way to find what you need in your life. I know I did what I could to protect those around me and stand up for what we all deserved, but nows my time to cherish with the most important things and people in my life, and it's time to take back my life and water everything good around me.

What did you learn this summer?