I Don't Think Our Story Was Ever Meant To Be Told In its Entirety

Many people know bits and pieces, excuses and surrenders but they don’t know about the giggling in the back of the party, sending silly cat videos or the late night staring at the ceiling talking about the future. They heard about the arguments and saw the tears, but didn’t see the apologies or hand written letters of love. They knew when we broke up, but not the deeper reasons as to why.

You called me a couple of weeks ago and have started popping into my mind since then. I’ve had to sit and think about why. It’s been over six months and while I’m not in love with you, there’s so much I never got to say to you. There were so many words in my brain that I couldn't figure out to say. I'm sorry and thank you. You're welcome and I wish we could work it out. Let's try again and I never want to hear your name again. It was all trapped in my brain battling.

I’m such a different person now than I was with you, thank God. And that’s okay, I hope you are too (in the best possible way). But I also never got to thank you for the things you did for me, the edges you talked me down from, the strength you gave me when I needed it most. I never got to thank you for showing me that sitting back and taking it wasn't what all situations required. I never said thank you for taking the sharp thorns I had and plucking them.

You were the first person who saw me as me, going through my own trauma of life. Not a girl who dated people who broke her for fun. Not the daughter who did bad things. Not a friend who hid everything in hopes of sparring other peoples feelings. Not the girl who was trapped in that car. You saw me, stared and stood up when you saw me crumble. You saw it all and still chose me for a long time. You saw the panic attacks, the low blood sugar (and high blood sugar) episodes and still welcomed me into your life. You saw the tattoos and didn't judge, you asked and now I'm pretty sure you have more than I do. You saw the insomnia and instead of walking away you stayed up and talked with me about absolutely nothing for hours. You did so much for me that I never got to thank you for.

I’m not sure you remember this night, but I called you late, way too late to be out, but I was. I called you to hear your voice of reason, because before we were us, you were my saving grace during a breakup that would have killed me. But on this night, you spilled so many words onto a board that would build into a million page book. That was the first night I said the darkest secrets of my nightmares, the things that had happened to me, the things I never wanted to admit, the things I couldn't tell anyone else for so many reasons. The memories that I think will stay with me forever but you turned around and told me you were so proud I could choke the words out, that I wasn’t what was done to me, but the person I fought so hard to become after. You sat there and spilled the beans on your own life, you saw me, but not the smashed glass on the floor, and in turn you let me see you, the pieces I can only hope I helped repair.

There are so many things between us that I wouldn’t change, we weren’t meant to be end game, and I think we knew that far before we ever ended. From the actions of others, parties, terrible people, death, suicide, drugs, alcohol, addictions to laughter, light in the dark, life, redemption, reaching for the sky, there is just so much more to the two people who met at 19 and formed this alliance in the harsh words of the world. We went through so much, things no one but the two of us will ever know or understand. There are so many side characters in our story that have pieces, that maybe if they all sat down and said everything they knew they could put together a very rough outline. I can name a few very serious situations that we went through together that absolutely no one would know unless you said said something to someone. You hold secrets that no one else knows, and hopefully one day someone else will have them, as I expect you to tell whoever comes after me about your memories. It excites me to know that we're growing and evolving in this world, to really find who we are and what we're fighting for.

As I’ve been thinking about writing this, I stopped to see that in many ways we are the two sides of the same coin. and once seeing it that way, I can’t unsee it. Our lives leading up to each other were so similar yet so different. The signs are even within our exes and their stories. They are almost the same, yet look how different we took those situations and formed our own opinions and expectations of the world.

I’m not surprised I found you in the high waters of feelings. The hot to the cold, the alive to the death, the rule follower to the rule breaker, the sober to the addicted. No one will ever know the full truth, the unforgettable memories of teenagers turned adults, and that’s how I think it was always meant to be. Even if a part of me would like to scream about the years we knew each other. Even if a part of me wants to talk about all the situations and saves you had or the problems we had and the arguments started. Because neither of us were perfect. I stand by I hope you are well, I hope you are happy and continue to find that happiness, I hope your future is bright and dreams come true. I pray for you and know you’ll do amazing things. I hope you don't hold any anger about how we ended, and know that you helped me so much. I hope I was able to repay you in some way through the years, and I'm not sure I'll ever find out, and that's okay. And lastly, some would say most importantly, I hope you’ve stopped yelling about losing to 12 year olds on league of legends.

Please take care of yourself, this is my goodbye to the person who helped and hurt me beyond words. These are the vague words of what I’d say to you. You’ve said your peace, and now this is mine, I think we both knew it was going to come in the way of typed out words.

Go take on the world.

Love, Tori <3