I'm in my last semester of college, and wish it were my first again

If you knew me my freshman year of college you knew I was a very different person. I surrounded myself around very different kinds of people, had a different career path, and saw the world so differently than I do now. I tied myself down to the wrong people and did everything for them, while I forgot to put the important people first, especially myself.

Honestly, over the last 3 years I've thought about first semester Tori A LOT. How much better she deserved and why she would even put herself through that. But as I've started my last semester, I've never been grateful for that rebellious, stubborn AF, and just all around strong as shit version of myself.

I was in and out of the hospital more in 2019 than ever before and I hope ever again. I didn't really care about my life or my health and I did "what I want". Which really just meant I didn't give a shit and only focused on school work to get out of college the fastest (funny thing is I'm still graduating early) or how much fun I could have. That first semester of college I lost myself so much that I wasn't sure I would ever come back, I didn't. I came back a completely different person. I am much stronger and hard-headed, but I also talk about the way I feel, feel my feelings instead of trying to drown them, and I work my ass for the things I love, not because I want to do them "faster" but because I love working hard and feeling the best feeling for completing something I never thought I could do.

As I continue to reflect on the last three years I learn more about myself and my past versions of myself. Why I did the things I did, why I thought what I did, and most importantly why I want to change into the person I'm becoming. If you had asked me my first semester of college if I thought I'd be where I am with who I am, I honestly probably would have laughed. I would have told you that my passions and dreams were too high and I knew the people around me too well to ever drift from them (and yet I don't talk to most of them and have a completely different degree than what I'm actually doing).

And after all of this reflection, a part of me still wishes I was in my dorm room staring at my 1200 page (not exaggerating, ask any nursing student) textbook with like 300 flashcards surrounding me. I still wish I was walking the 3 miles a day across campus and getting excited about going grocery shopping with my roommates. I think a part of me wishes that college had gone the way I wanted. That Covid-19 never happened (that's pretty universal though) and that I hadn't gone to 3 different colleges, but then I would have never gone to 3 states, and met so many people. I would have never set my standards higher and I would have sat at the bare minimum, or even worse, continued to ignore my health until I wilted away and couldn't come back from it.

I'm thankful for the last 3 years and I'll be grateful for the next 3 years. Don't get me wrong, I am so extremely excited to graduate and start the career I'm so passionate and ready for. I'm ready to move in with Richard (oops, did this one a little early!) and continue to grow the friendships I've made. I'm excited to blast music until 1 in the morning and run around in the rain. I'm excited to travel the world and taste the food I used to be so scared of. But the biggest thing I'm so happy about during my last semester is how hard I've worked to get to the place I am mentally. To be so incredibly happy that the bast days are just that, bad days. They don't overwhelm the days and aren't unbalancing the scales like they used to. I'm learning to live and direct my life and not let my laundry list of mental health problems run my life. It's taken me way too many years (in my opinion) to do and figure this out, but better late than never, right?

Anyway, that's all I have to say for now. I'll see you soon!

Love, Tori